When loving you is killing me

Leaving an abusive relationship

Judges 19

Because abuse can be subtle and can be denied, many people do not recognize it at first. They may only know that they do not feel good about the way their partner treats them. Aggression, anger, domination, intimidation, manipulation, punishment, and control are the main patterns of abusive behavior. Victims of continued abuse often fear their abusers. They often are-or think they are—dependent on their abusers. They may be afraid of the harm that will come to them if they leave or attempt to leave their abusers. If you are a victim of abuse and have feelings of fear and dependency, you should know that your abuser counts on these fears and dependencies to continue the abuse.

All abuse ultimately reinforces one underlying theme: that one person retains control over the other.

If you are involved with an abuser, mistreatment can break down your sense of self-worth and steal your personal power. It can enforce “learned helplessness,” an acquired feeling that you cannot do things right, survive on your own, or escape your abuse.

There are four different stages in the abusive relationship.

1. The violence-buildup Stage
2. The Violent incident
3. The Honeymoon Stage…the Levite in this story probably came during this time to her father’s house. Notice the father was glad to see him which means she probably hid the abuse.
4. The back to Normal stage

There are different types of abuse

Emotional abuse is the use of mental tactics such as aggression, anger, humiliation, sabotage, manipulation, corruption, intimidation, fear; dominance, power, and control to inflict emotional damage on another person.

Physical abuse is the use of bodily actions and weapons to threaten, punish, dominate, restrain, control, or injure another person.

Sexual abuse is the use of forced or unwanted sexual activities to dominate, manipulate, threaten, injure, corrupt, or control another person

Social abuse incorporates other forms of abuse to dominate, manipulate, threaten, control or damage another person’s social relationships.

Financial abuse is the use of money and money related matters to dominate, sabotage, manipulate, threaten, control, inflict damage on, or take advantage of another person.

Religious and Spiritual abuse is the controlling, damaging, or constraining of another person’s religious interests, practices, or icons. It is purposely misstating religious purposes to abuse another person.

Some religions have perpetuated the idea of female submission to males, and many abusers misuse religious doctrine that discusses submission to further abuse their partners. They may use this in sexual and other types of interaction.
Because of their interpretation of religious doctrine, religious leaders of many faiths have encouraged women to stay in abusive relationships. This causes great conflict between their loyalty to their religious and to their religious leaders, and the violence, pain, and humiliation in their abusive marriage or relationship.

Colossians 3:18-20 (New International Version)

Rules for Christian Households
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

Characteristics and attitudes of abusers:

Confusing and Unpredictable Behaviors James 1: 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
Controlling Behaviors
Critical Attitude
Excessive Charm and Attention…the abuser’s kindness often diminishes or disappears though, as they pursue control in their relationships
History of violent behaviors…Proverbs 3:31
Do not envy a violent man or choose any of his ways
Inability to be intimate
Inability to express emotions
Isolating activities…abusers may want to spend excessive time with you without involving others.

Jealousy: Many abusers confuse jealousy with love. They interpret “relationship” to mean “ownership” and view jealousy as a measure of love, a theory that has often been reinforced by laws, movies, TV, and books.

Lack of Self-esteem…they may expect you to build them up to substitute for their own lack of confidence.

Low Tolerance levels: Abusers may be quick to anger or may blow up over trivial matters.

Manipulative behavior:
Narcissism…with time, it can be seen that abusers have little genuine interest in the welfare of others.

Negative attitudes:
Perfectionism: Abusers often expect perfection of others; some have such expectation of themselves also.

Quick Sexual intimacy and involvement: Abusers may pressure partners into quick relationship commitment, exclusive involvement, and sexual activity.

Refusal to Accept Responsibility
Rigidity
Substance abuse: People who abuse others may use their alcohol or chemical use and dependency as an excuse for violence and abuse

Threatening Behaviors
Unrealistic expectations: They may demand perfection of others and expect partners to fulfill their emotional needs.

Myths about Victims of Abuse
Myth: Victims of abuse are only from lower-income families with little education

Fact: Victims of domestic and partner abuse come from all walks of life. They may be from any age, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, socioeconomic background, or geographical group. Victims of domestic violence may be educated or uneducated, professionals or nonprofessionals. They may wait on you in the store, live in the apartment or house next door, and be your children’s teacher,

Myth: Domestic violence and abuse are uncommon in the United States

Fact: In this country, a man beats up a woman every twelve seconds. That’s 7,200 outbursts of violence every day, 50,400 every week, 2,620,800 every year.

Myth: Victims stay in abusive relationships because they like abuse.

Fact: Victims of abuse stay in their relationships for many complex reasons including their safety. They are more at risk when they attempt to leave relationships. “When battered women are killed they are more likely to be killed after having left the relationship.

Myth: Violence in this country happens mostly between strangers.

Fact: A woman’s greatest risk of assault is from an intimate partner. Statistics from the department of Justice cite that women are attacked seven times more often by offenders with whom they had an intimate relationship than are male victims of violence.

Myth: Abusers will not harm their own children.

Fact: Studies indicate that “50% to 70% of men who abuse their spouses or partners also abuse their children.

Myth: Victims provoke their abusers to become abusive.

Fact: Victims are beaten for not having dinner ready on time, for not emptying the ashtrays, for not answering telephone calls from their spouse by the third ring.

What to do in an emergency
Call 911 and leave if possible
Take your children with you if possible
Seek assistance from law enforcement before or after exiting a violent incident.
Go to a shelter or another safe location.
Seek professional advice regarding a civil restraining order or protective order.

Important items to have ready for a crisis
• Emergency cash (for cab fare, motel, food, and the like)
• Credit cards and checkbooks
• Driver’s license, registration, automobile title
• Prescription medications, eyeglasses, contacts
• Extra clothing
• Passports and birth certificates for you and your children
• Photograph or photo id of your abuser

If you have been terrorized, you will need time to calm your fears and to take precautions for your safety in order to assess your relationship. Depending on the extent of the abuse you have experienced or are likely to face in our relationship, you may need to build a long-term plan for leaving and healing.

Examination Do’s and Don’ts

DO…
• What you need to provide as much safety as possible
• Take time alone to think and to heal.
• Look at yourself; your needs, desires, and goals; and your personal limits and boundaries.
• Imagine what your life could be like without abuse.
• Find and spend time with friends who are not abusive
• Get support or counseling from people familiar with domestic violence
• See what effects the abuse is having on your children
• Make a list of your strengths

Do Not…
Endanger yourself with an abuser. If your situation is dangerous, leave.
Endanger your children by staying with an abuser. Many victims leave only when their abuse spills over onto their children

Try to figure out why your abuser is abusive.

Attempt to stay to help the abuser and put yourself at risk.

Let the abuser manipulate your time.

Deny, minimize, or hide the reality of your situation.

Blame yourself for your abuse.

Spend time with others who abuse you. Allowing friends, family, or others to abuse you can weaken you while you examine and assess your needs.

Healing Strategies

Make Major Decisions with care

Gather information

Build a support network

Make new friends…however it is advisable to be cautious with new romantic relationships during this time, because you may be fragile, vulnerable and a target for other abusive people.

Practice Healthful behaviors: eating healthfully, sleeping regularly, and building a sound mind and body are stepping stones along your healing journey.

Allow yourself to make mistakes: Victims of abuse often see mistakes as having disastrous consequences and blow them out of proportion.

Change your psychological environment: To help yourself let go of the former relationship, put away such sentimental items as momentos, photographs, and memorabilia that are painful; do not listen to music you both loved if it upsets you.

Set attainable goals

Pursue enjoyable activities

Evaluate yourself as a person in relationships: Make a list of positive and negative qualities in past relationships and compare it to a list of desired and undesired qualities of a future relationship.

Recognize and respond to your Children’s Needs

Get a healthy understanding of your faith. Jesus came to give us life and life more abundantly.